Thomas…

Amazingly enough – Thomas is still hanging in there. Tonight I watched as Celidia (a Miriam Center Worker) gently cared for him. He’s lost a ton of weight. His entire body is skin and bones. It breaks my heart to even look at him. Here is this precious little boy who’s body could not weigh more than 3lbs with a head that weighs at least 8lbs. He’s in so much pain and cries out every time we touch him.

I’m finding it harder and harder to process why God hasn’t called this precious little boy home. Right now he is taking a bottle but has diarrhea so he’s not gaining any ground. Courtney compares him to a little Holocaust child and she’s not far off. He’s the poster child for the saddest, skinniest little child you could imagine. I can’t bring myself to take a picture and post it.

Remembering him when his head was not this big and his body had more meat on it – -it makes every part of my heart ache. Was it not just a month ago that he looked like one of my little boys – smiling and cooing?

He’s weak and in pain. Please pray for God’s will to be done. If it’s not to take this boy home – please pray for his pain to go away – for there to be some sort of healing – one way or another.

 

Conversations with My Girls……

Mikela says – - Mommy – I need to put my diarrhea in a secret place so no one will find it.
Mommy – - WHAT?
Mikela – - I don’t want anyone to read it. (DIARY)

Rosie – - I’ve been thinking a lot.
Mommy – about what?
Rosie – - that I really need some candy.
Mommy – is that all you think about?
Rosie- – no. sometimes I think about coke.

Malaya to Angel – - Where is momma Angel?
Angel – She’s in Heaven.
Malaya – When’s she coming back?
Angel – Oh honey – she can’t come back.
Malaya – Nana’s mommy is in Heaven too. Maybe they’re friends.

 

Face of Jesus…..

I’ve blogged a lot about my best friend’s mom – Kandiance. I remember sitting at the funeral and hearing all these wonderful things about her. Talk about a true woman of God – someone who gave of herself all the way up until the very end – witnessing the last few days she lived. You see Kandiance knew something that I realized at the funeral. It’s something I’ve begun to tell myself every day and I feel like I’m supposed to share this with you tonight as well.

I don’t know how well you will receive it but I just want to put it out there…… It’s just not about you! It’s just not about me. It’s not about the story of Jody Castillo and 7 kids and being a missionary in Haiti. It’s not about your story  - or what you do every day.

Kandiance lived a life where she knew it wasn’t about her – but it was ALWAYS about Him. If it was her story then it would have ended when she died – - but it’s HIS story and therefore even in death the pages are still be written – because I was witnessed too after she left this world.

Here is the point I want to make – - It’s not about YOUR story – it’s about His Story and HE is choosing the role you will play and inevitably that role should lead people to the unsurpassing love, restoration, and reconciliation of Jesus Christ.

For the past 9 months – I made everything about me. I was so worried about who was on my side – I lost sight of WHO’S SIDE I AM ON. You see if all you care about is playing the part in His story  - it will NEVER matter who is for you or against you because it’s not your fight – it’s not your story.

When I first got back here I was overwhelmed with the needs of the people. I kept hearing – After God there is only you – after God there is only you. I kept carrying their burdens and I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t stop my tears. And then out of nowhere it hit me – - WHY DO YOU SAY “AFTER” God? What they’re saying to me is all wrong. They’re putting more confidence in the person after God than they are in God himself. Whenever we do that – when we put our faith in someone else – more so than Christ – then that person will none-the-less – by default – being just human  - will disappoint. Why aren’t we saying ONLY God instead of AFTER God?  God may choose to use me to play a role where I help – but that’s for Him to write. These are His people and His burdens to carry…..

I met a guy at the conference who told me he got fired 3 days before the conference began. I asked him how? How is he not freaking out?? He said because it’s not about him, He’s always known who he works for – he has perfect job security. HE SAID TO GOD  - – TAKE MY LIFE AND LET IT BE  – ALL FOR YOU AND FOR YOUR GLORY – TAKE MY LIFE AND LET IT BE YOURS. He knows he is simply playing a role in God’s story.

The thing that I hate is that we don’t get to choose the role we play – we don’t get to decide which aisle in the bookstore it goes in. I’d love for my book to be something out of the children’s section but I think more often than not our books are in the self-help aisle. You know the problem with being in that section – means you got to go through something – a divorce, greif, losing a child, losing a friend – experience a tragedy. The only reason we go to the self-help aisle is because we want to learn from someone’s experience. If that is the section God chooses to put our book in  - than that means we got to go through an experience that we might not like so that others might benefit from our sacrifice and pain.

But the thing I am realizing is this – -there is freedom in knowing that the good/bad its all His. We cannot write a better story than God and yet how many times do we try to steal His pen?

I listened to a preacher talk the other night about the face of Jesus. That we are supposed to be the face of Jesus. This is not the same thing as simply setting an example. I wish you could have seen the passion this man had as he preached about the beauty of God’s face. I wish you could have seen him on his knees, with tears in his eyes – explaining the magnificence of Jesus Christ.  There is something different in setting a “good” example and REFLECTING THE FACE OF JESUS.

How many of you have seen Extreme Makeover Home edition? You know the story where they find a family with 12 kids – 3 are blind, 2 can’t walk – their house is falling down on them and a crew decides to build them a new home?  So they send the family to Disney World and fix the house up. When the family comes back there is a bus blocking the view of the house. The whole show is set up on three words — – MOVE THAT BUS. When the bus pulls out where do the cameras go? Do they go to the house?? No – they don’t. They focus on the family SEEING the house. The mom is balling, the husband trying to hold back the tears, and junior is jumping up and down. EVEN THOUGH WE HAVEN’T SEEN THE HOUSE – WE KNOW OF IT’S BEAUTY BY LOOKING AT THE FACES OF THE FAMILY WHO WILL DWELL THERE.

Do you see the difference in setting  an example and reflecting the face of Jesus?

I found myself moved to tears in hearing the passion of this preacher. I see the difference – but how do I get it? I mean I am a missionary to Haiti right? My job is to minister to people. Yet I was at a conference with 13,000 “leaders” of missions, churches, and non-profits -  who were crying  – begging to see the face of Jesus – - – even though we spend every day working in ministry.

Friends it is just not enough that we work in a ministry or we volunteer. I can volunteer to come to Haiti and complain the whole time that I don’t have adequate sleeping quarters and there isn’t enough food or water.  That doesn’t reflect nothing.

Reflecting the face of Jesus is so much deeper than that  – and maybe the way we get there is to lock ourselves up in a closet – kneel down- face to the ground – and worship this man of glory – this majestic – magnificient – full of mercy  – full of peace – full of compassion – King that is Jesus – -  – maybe we have to dig into a relatonship where we don’t simply say thanks God for the food – but we immerse him with love – all that we have – - – and we don’t rise up from the ground until we see that beautiful face – so we can then go out and TELL everyone what we’ve seen.

I saw the face of Jesus a few nights ago for the very first time. I felt the wrinkles in his forehead, I felt the softness of His cheeks, the mercy in His brows, the compassion in His eyes….this beauty beyond description.

You see it’s not about us – - – it’s not about our story — – it’s about His story. If we lived our life to make a mark for ourselves – we would waste our life on something so small. BUT if we lived a life to make a mark for HIM – it’s totally worth it. When it’s His story – this is the beauty of it – if you win – you win. But if you lose – you still win! You see it doesn’t matter – the good/bad – it’s all His.

God will take full responsibility for the life that is wholly devoted to Him. I don’t know the role you will play in it – but I know that this role requires us to be the face of jesus. So my challenge is – if you can’t feel his face – see his wrinkles, his brow, his eyes, his softeness – - then lock yourself up alone with Him until you do!

Don’t simply be His hands and feet…..be His face as well!

Take your life and let it be all for Him and all His glory – take your life and let it be HIS.

GLORY TO GOD

Before the world was made 
Before you spoke it to be
You were the King of Kings 
Yeah you were, yeah you were
And now you’re reigning still 
Enthroned above all things
Angels and saints cry out 
We join them as we sing

CHORUS:
Glory to God, Glory to God
Glory to God, Forever
Glory to God, Glory to God
Glory to God, Forever 
Yeah…

Creator God you gave me breath so I could praise
Your great and matchless name 
All my days, all my days
So let my whole life be 
A blazing offering
A life that shouts and sings 
The greatness of the King

CHORUS:
Glory to God, Glory to God
Glory to God, Forever
Glory to God, Glory to God
Glory to God, Forever

Take my life and let it be
All for you and for your glory
Take my life and let it be yours
Take my life and let it be
All for you and for your glory
Take my life and let it be yours

 

Top Two Reasons To Smile……

 

Two Very Different Kinds Of Weddings…..

This week held a lot of emotion – not just for me – but for nearly everyone on our campus. It’s not difficult to have highs and lows in Haiti and this week was full of them.

When we think about weddings – we think of the union of a groom and his bride. The “Wedding Lady” (as she’s known by) Diane Cornelius – is here in Haiti! Can you imagine living in one of the poorest countries in the world and yet having one of the biggest weddings in the country? For at least one day –  they get to feel like a princess! They don’t have to think about all the problems they have in their family. They get all the joys of a state-side wedding which we often take for granted. What an honor!

Tomorrow we will have 10 brides/grooms united here in St. Louis! The cakes were made today!! There has been so much chatter about this special celebration all around town. It really means a lot to the people when they see us invest in them – to do something extraordinary on their behalf. So our emotions have run high this week as we plan for such a special celebration!

At the same time – there have been many lows. Thomas is still holding on and it has been hard to watch him suffer.  He has taken a little piece of my heart that I will never get back.  He continues to minister to us and to everyone he comes into contact with. He is in the maternity center right now. I watch as random people react to seeing Thomas. What love and compassion they pour on him! What value they see in a little boy like this – a boy that normally would be shunned for his disability.  Yes – even in his final days – he is ministering to all of us.

One of our workers in the Miriam Center also experienced a tragedy this week. Tizzie’s son Reginald was killed. I watched this boy grow up. The hillside has been completely torn to pieces over this horrible situation. The employees have all rallied together  - just as one big family does.

Last night we had a “wake” and nearly every employee was there. Watching the teenagers – these strong boys – break down and weep – it’s a horrible thing to witness. Today we had the funeral service and the church was decorated with flowers and ribbons. The ceremony was long – many songs – many speakers – and the most emotional part was watching these strong boys stand-up and sing together in honor of their fallen friend. (They were barely heard through the wailings of the people).

As I sat there at the church – I found myself witnessing a wedding of another kind.  In the midst of all the wailing I found myself picturing a “wedding” where God embraces his child and says “I do” – - I do take you my precious servant! I do take you – all of you –  for better or for worse – in sickness and in health – come and be united with me in Heaven. Talk about feeling like a prince or princess!! Can you imagine that day?  We think of ribbons and flowers here – - there will be gold and emeralds – things of beauty that we can’t even comprehend! Just as a groom unveils his bride – - can you imagine looking into the eyes of Jesus?

I have been personally struggling with Reginald’s death for the past several days. Since I got the 2am phone call that he had died, got a truck to go and get him, and held his precious mommy that night – as she fell to the ground weeping before me.

Today though – at the service to be exact – God gave me this unsurpassing peace. He gave me a scene in my mind that I can barely even put into words. I watched as Reginald was united with his Savior.

Yes – - – this week had many highs and lows BUT God allowed me to see the beauty in two very different kinds of weddings….

 

Prayers For Little Thomas….

Our huge-hearted Courtney (who manages the Miriam Center) just added a sweet little boy named Thomas. He is a BEAUTIFUL baby. He’s a little over 2 months old. He has good skin and is well-fed. He has no mother or father anymore but you can tell that whoever was taking care of him really loved him. Thomas has hydrocephalus. That means the pressure in his head is causing it to swell. If he were in the states we’d just put a shunt in and he’d be okay. Last week when he was at the mission he was smiling and happy – reminded me of my little boys. But a few days ago we noticed the pressure in his head growing. His little veins are starting to protrude and we believe he is going blind now. He cries out in a lot of pain – or perhaps just because he’s scared now that his vision is lacking.

Courtney has spent much of her time loving on him – providing him as much comfort as she can before Jesus calls him home. I have had a hard time visiting with this little boy – I just keep picturing if that were Levi or Asher. I didn’t visit him the last two days as just the thought of him brought tears to my eyes. But tonight I felt like God was wanting me to visit with him although I can’t explain why. It was all I could do not to completely breakdown in front of all of the workers.

When I do see a sick child – my nursing instincts often kick in. I can’t help it. Seeing him sweat downstairs and looking very miserable….. Jose and I carried him up to our house. I have him in Levi’s swing rocking back and forth. He seems to like it. He cries out often – yet that “simple touch” often quiets him down. As I don’t sleep at night anyways….what’s more kid? I pray that whatever small things I do…in some way  - it brings little Thomas comfort tonight.

Today my little boys laughed out loud for the first time. We weren’t doing anything to make them laugh – I could only imagine that angels were tickling their little feet. I know that angels are also surrounding little Thomas….perhaps their hearts ache much like mine.

Please pray for Thomas – that he will find comfort and peace. That the same angels that surround my little boys will also hold Thomas while he is scared and in pain.

 

A Simple Touch….

Bedtime around our house is very interesting. Gabriel is now sleeping in a toddler bed because we needed his crib for Levi. It’s funny now that Gabriel isn’t “caged” in a crib –  he can get out of his bed anytime he wants. Often in the middle of the night we’ll hear him playing with his toys.

It’s become somewhat of a routine now – we put him in his bed – he cries and gets out of his bed.  We put him back in bed again –  then he bangs on his bedroom door for someone to save him. If Eveline is in the house – she ALWAYS saves him. Otherwise – he throws a small tantrum and finally falls asleep about 30 minutes later.

Now we can play this game every night — OR – we can put him in his bed and hold his hand. If Jose or I sit on the floor by his toddler bed and just touch him – within a few minutes he’ll fall asleep.

Now that Gabriel is in bed we’re making sure that the boys aren’t too hot. They love to be swaddled but it’s really too hot to be swaddled here at night -especially when we lose power around 2am every morning. In the process of making sure they’re comfortable – we always end up waking them up. We will stick their pacifiers in their mouths and that will help some – - but what really helps them sleep is if we simply touch the top of their little heads and gently pet them.

The girls love to “pet” their brothers. They often correct us- “No daddy – Levi likes you to rub him softly and slowly on the side of his face. No mommy – Asher likes for you to rub the very top of his head!”.  Sure enough – late at night when nothing seems to work – if we softly and slowly touch their little heads – they drift back to sleep.

It’s amazing the power of a simple touch. I think it’s something we take for granted. Here in Haiti – it’s all about the touch. We greet each other with a kiss or a hug. We greet everyone – doesn’t matter if we know them or not. It’s considered rude not to say hello to complete strangers. Can you imagine if we just walked around the mall greeting everyone whether we knew them or not? People would think we’re crazy.

Today a mother and her child showed up at my office door. The child had a horrible skin condition. She didn’t have any money for medication and our pharmacy shelves were bare. I really had a lot to do today – I didn’t really have time to sit and listen to her story.  But looking into her desperate eyes – I invited her to sit down and tell me about her situation. I listened as she told me that her husband was dead, she was raising three kids on her own, she slept on porches of random houses, she often eats scraps that she finds on the street  - and here was her little baby girl covered in sores. I could tell this little girl was wanting me to hold her – she couldn’t have been 18 months old. I’m looking at her sores – thinking there is no telling what she has – and yet how much does she yearn to be touched. I held her for a while, sent someone to get the meds she needed, and prayed with them before they left.

It might take a little more time to stop what we’re doing and reach out to someone – but we forget the impact a simple touch makes.

Sometimes it seems “easier” for me to just let Gabriel scream it out for 30 minutes and bang on his door – than to just take 12 minutes of my own time and sit by his bed.

I just wonder how many people are banging on their doors…needing a simple touch – but in our busyness –  we never hear them….

 

I Need A Savior…..

Does it take losing someone in order to find yourself? I haven’t slept in over a week….I can’t shut my mind down. It has given me many chances to be alone with the Lord and my thoughts. I’ve been thinking of children mourning over their mommy…… experiencing their first birthday today with someone significant missing….. just dealing with all the things that are left behind.

I’ve always known all along that you can’t take anything with you when you leave this world. I’ve experienced many deaths in Haiti – more than I can count. But I’ve never really lost someone here in the states. I’ve never had the “behind the scenes” view of what a grieving family goes through in America.

What do you do with the house? What do you do with everything in it? The jewelry you just had to have, the nicknacks you picked out on all your vacations, the closets full of clothes – - all of these things that we sacrifice to have – that we very well may deserve to have…….but it all stays here when we go “home”.

I have found myself thinking about what matters in this world. I keep hearing God tell me to not get caught up in the “little” things – - To not care about silly stuff that would normally keep me up at night. To not consume myself with thoughts about things I can’t change or don’t understand.

I feel like a light just came on inside of me. The only thing that we get to take with us to Heaven…..are the people that we brought to Jesus.  So why do we spend so much of our efforts on all these other things? I’m most certainly guilty as charged.

I have felt God speaking to me – leaving me speechless before Him. I have rekindled a passion that was once long forgotten. I have felt an intensity in His love that I cannot explain. No words can describe these new feelings that consume me.

I read this today and it had a powerful impact on me: You will never truly turn to the One who is strong…until you finally, truly acknowledge that you’re the one who is weak.

I don’t just need Jesus…..I need a SAVIOR. I need someone I can go to day or night – someone to rescue me from myself. I feel like God is telling me that I need to take a break from “Jody”. What if I just gave Him a year to do with me what He wants and I just follow without trying to take back the control? What if I just simply recognized how truly weak I am?

I feel like the past several days have shown me HOW MUCH I truly need Him. I am going to try harder than ever before to give God what He is asking of me. Please pray for me as I know that it will be one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

I challenge you to give God those things that don’t matter but that consume your thoughts. What would happen in your life if you just “followed” without question and acknowledged how much you need a Savior?

This Song Keeps Playing In My Mind……

How many names - Can I use to explain
The love of my Jesus - The life that He gave
And so many times- Will I praise You today
I lift up my life - Cause You’re always the same
And my offering - To you I bring

Your name is Jesus
Your name is Jesus
You’re the wonderful, counselor, my friend
You’re what I hold on to
I know that You brought me through
All the days of loss and to the cross, You knew
That I’d need a Savior

How many songs - Can I sing to proclaim
Your wondrous love - Oh and beauty so great
Oh and, What would I say - If You brought down the rain
And everyday I walked through the pain - My heart would still say…

……All the days of loss, and to the cross You knew,
That I’d Need a Savior Well, I’d need a Savior….woah
You’re what I hold onto, I know that You brought me through
All the days of loss and to the cross You knew,
That I’d need a Savior
I’d need a Savior,
I need You Savior.

 

Aww…..

Makes a tiring day a lot more bearable….

 

Kandiance Meets Her Savior Today….

Such a Bittersweet time…….no more pain for Kandiance….but how do her kids and friends deal with losing such an Amazing person. Please lift up my precious Angel and her brother Seth in prayer.

IMMERSE  them in your prayers……

She told me my twin boys would change Haiti….that God had revealed to her that Levi and Asher served a greater purpose than I could ever imagine.