Bedtime around our house is very interesting. Gabriel is now sleeping in a toddler bed because we needed his crib for Levi. It’s funny now that Gabriel isn’t “caged” in a crib –  he can get out of his bed anytime he wants. Often in the middle of the night we’ll hear him playing with his toys.

It’s become somewhat of a routine now – we put him in his bed – he cries and gets out of his bed.  We put him back in bed again –  then he bangs on his bedroom door for someone to save him. If Eveline is in the house – she ALWAYS saves him. Otherwise – he throws a small tantrum and finally falls asleep about 30 minutes later.

Now we can play this game every night — OR – we can put him in his bed and hold his hand. If Jose or I sit on the floor by his toddler bed and just touch him – within a few minutes he’ll fall asleep.

Now that Gabriel is in bed we’re making sure that the boys aren’t too hot. They love to be swaddled but it’s really too hot to be swaddled here at night -especially when we lose power around 2am every morning. In the process of making sure they’re comfortable – we always end up waking them up. We will stick their pacifiers in their mouths and that will help some – - but what really helps them sleep is if we simply touch the top of their little heads and gently pet them.

The girls love to “pet” their brothers. They often correct us- “No daddy – Levi likes you to rub him softly and slowly on the side of his face. No mommy – Asher likes for you to rub the very top of his head!”.  Sure enough – late at night when nothing seems to work – if we softly and slowly touch their little heads – they drift back to sleep.

It’s amazing the power of a simple touch. I think it’s something we take for granted. Here in Haiti – it’s all about the touch. We greet each other with a kiss or a hug. We greet everyone – doesn’t matter if we know them or not. It’s considered rude not to say hello to complete strangers. Can you imagine if we just walked around the mall greeting everyone whether we knew them or not? People would think we’re crazy.

Today a mother and her child showed up at my office door. The child had a horrible skin condition. She didn’t have any money for medication and our pharmacy shelves were bare. I really had a lot to do today – I didn’t really have time to sit and listen to her story.  But looking into her desperate eyes – I invited her to sit down and tell me about her situation. I listened as she told me that her husband was dead, she was raising three kids on her own, she slept on porches of random houses, she often eats scraps that she finds on the street  - and here was her little baby girl covered in sores. I could tell this little girl was wanting me to hold her – she couldn’t have been 18 months old. I’m looking at her sores – thinking there is no telling what she has – and yet how much does she yearn to be touched. I held her for a while, sent someone to get the meds she needed, and prayed with them before they left.

It might take a little more time to stop what we’re doing and reach out to someone – but we forget the impact a simple touch makes.

Sometimes it seems “easier” for me to just let Gabriel scream it out for 30 minutes and bang on his door – than to just take 12 minutes of my own time and sit by his bed.

I just wonder how many people are banging on their doors…needing a simple touch – but in our busyness –  we never hear them….

Does it take losing someone in order to find yourself? I haven’t slept in over a week….I can’t shut my mind down. It has given me many chances to be alone with the Lord and my thoughts. I’ve been thinking of children mourning over their mommy…… experiencing their first birthday today with someone significant missing….. just dealing with all the things that are left behind.

I’ve always known all along that you can’t take anything with you when you leave this world. I’ve experienced many deaths in Haiti – more than I can count. But I’ve never really lost someone here in the states. I’ve never had the “behind the scenes” view of what a grieving family goes through in America.

What do you do with the house? What do you do with everything in it? The jewelry you just had to have, the nicknacks you picked out on all your vacations, the closets full of clothes – - all of these things that we sacrifice to have – that we very well may deserve to have…….but it all stays here when we go “home”.

I have found myself thinking about what matters in this world. I keep hearing God tell me to not get caught up in the “little” things – - To not care about silly stuff that would normally keep me up at night. To not consume myself with thoughts about things I can’t change or don’t understand.

I feel like a light just came on inside of me. The only thing that we get to take with us to Heaven…..are the people that we brought to Jesus.  So why do we spend so much of our efforts on all these other things? I’m most certainly guilty as charged.

I have felt God speaking to me – leaving me speechless before Him. I have rekindled a passion that was once long forgotten. I have felt an intensity in His love that I cannot explain. No words can describe these new feelings that consume me.

I read this today and it had a powerful impact on me: You will never truly turn to the One who is strong…until you finally, truly acknowledge that you’re the one who is weak.

I don’t just need Jesus…..I need a SAVIOR. I need someone I can go to day or night – someone to rescue me from myself. I feel like God is telling me that I need to take a break from “Jody”. What if I just gave Him a year to do with me what He wants and I just follow without trying to take back the control? What if I just simply recognized how truly weak I am?

I feel like the past several days have shown me HOW MUCH I truly need Him. I am going to try harder than ever before to give God what He is asking of me. Please pray for me as I know that it will be one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

I challenge you to give God those things that don’t matter but that consume your thoughts. What would happen in your life if you just “followed” without question and acknowledged how much you need a Savior?

This Song Keeps Playing In My Mind……

How many names - Can I use to explain
The love of my Jesus - The life that He gave
And so many times- Will I praise You today
I lift up my life - Cause You’re always the same
And my offering - To you I bring

Your name is Jesus
Your name is Jesus
You’re the wonderful, counselor, my friend
You’re what I hold on to
I know that You brought me through
All the days of loss and to the cross, You knew
That I’d need a Savior

How many songs - Can I sing to proclaim
Your wondrous love - Oh and beauty so great
Oh and, What would I say - If You brought down the rain
And everyday I walked through the pain - My heart would still say…

……All the days of loss, and to the cross You knew,
That I’d Need a Savior Well, I’d need a Savior….woah
You’re what I hold onto, I know that You brought me through
All the days of loss and to the cross You knew,
That I’d need a Savior
I’d need a Savior,
I need You Savior.

Makes a tiring day a lot more bearable….

guess who

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Such a Bittersweet time…….no more pain for Kandiance….but how do her kids and friends deal with losing such an Amazing person. Please lift up my precious Angel and her brother Seth in prayer.

IMMERSE  them in your prayers……

She told me my twin boys would change Haiti….that God had revealed to her that Levi and Asher served a greater purpose than I could ever imagine.

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I’ve spent the last several nights emailing one of my best friends – Angel. Angel interned here in Haiti several times and was in the process of moving here when her mom got sick.  I wrote several months ago about her mom – Kandiance. She’s was diagnosed with cancer and it spread rapidly. The last several weeks she has been in so much pain. I was hoping to be in the states when things started to really get bad. It breaks my heart that I’m now back in Haiti barely a week and her time here on earth is now coming to an end.

I wish I had the words to comfort Angel. She and her brother have spent the last few days in the Hospital – surrounding their mom with love as she begins to take that journey “home”. Kandiance is an amazing woman of faith. I don’t know anyone like her. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve cried on her shoulder and she’s prayed for me during my times of stress and sickness. Everywhere in her house there are scriptures on the wall. While she was sick –  she visited with me and prayed FOR ME. Even through her pain – Kandiance was witnessing to those that came into the room to care for her. What a legacy she leaves behind!

Yesterday, Kandiance (who is mainly unresponsive) woke up and said CAKE. Next week is Angel’s birthday. Her mom knew she wouldn’t be here for it and wanted to celebrate it that very minute. They went and got Angel a birthday cake. What a special moment – a birthday Angel will never forget. Even while she’s drifting away….Kandiance is still thinking of her baby girl.

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I want to share an email Angel sent me last night:

Last night we had 2 very amazing “revival” times as we are calling them.The first one was at around 8pm. Mom started to ask us to sing praise songs. So a group of about 15 people were crowded in the room and we sang our hearts out. We started to close the door and mom spoke up and said “open door”. She wanted everyone to hear our songs to God! Mom even tried to sing! We actually had people from the other rooms tell us today that the songs ministered to them!!!!!

Then at 3AM mom woke up and told us that Jesus was talking to her. She started talking about Heaven and what it was going to look like. She said her mansion is going to be pink and purple! She said when I get there mine will be pink and Seth’s will be made of Emeralds! It was so fitting! We were up from 3-6AM talking with her.

All day she has been mostly unresponsive, but will come to and says”I want to go home” (Heaven). She said it multiple times today. God has given us so many special times with mom these last few days in Hospice. Even though it is hard to watch her suffer, mom has ministered to all of us in these last few days. I have to admit that I have been trying to understand why God has let mom suffer for the last 9 months. Last night I was asking Him “why” and He showed me all these people that mom ministered to in those months. Even in her time here at Hospice the nursing staff has been ministered to, the people down the hall heard our praise songs and everyone that has come to see her has been blessed. Mom has been “A good and faithful servant” for Jesus and she is ready to go home. We would like for you all to join us in prayer for mom. She is ready to go home and be with Jesus. Please pray that Jesus will come and take her home. We will miss her so much, but we know that God is calling her home.
Angel

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I can hardly write for my tears….just can’t imagine what Angel is going through right now. How does someone so young cope with losing someone so special? Why her? My girls love Angel’s mom and have been praying for her since they found out she was sick. Between praying for Angel’s mom and little Jael – it opens the doors for so many questions for them. Malaya has asked – How does God pick who gets sick? Will Rosie get sick? Will I lose my mommy too?

I talked to the girls last night about “Momma Angel” and Rosie started to cry and asked if she would see her again. It was all I could do to mutter…. yes – one day in Heaven.

I think about Angel’s wedding, her first child, or simply the next few months when she experiences her first holidays without her mom. Angel’s dad died when she was little and Angel became her mom’s best friend. Rarely did you not see the two together. I haven’t been able to sleep the last few nights – my heart just aches for Angel and her family.

I keep having the words from this Chris Rice song play through my mind:

Sometimes the way is lonely
And steep and filled with pain
So if your sky is dark and pours the rain, then
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus and live!

And with your final heartbeat
Kiss the world goodbye
Then go in peace, and laugh on Glory’s side, and
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus and live!

Very soon Kandiance will be laughing on Glory’s side! She’ll be united with her husband and sitting by Jesus’ throne!

I knew that coming back home would be good for me – a good reminder of what matters. It’s so easy to be caught up in our own little world that we forget about the bigger picture. The last several months I’ve cried “woe is me” on just about everything! I don’t discount my feelings – it was still “my reality”. It’s just that if we don’t seek to broaden our world and perspective – we never get to see that bigger picture.

The past year the USA has gone through a hard economic time. So many people lost jobs, everyone feels the pinch in their wallets, and the spending overall has slowed down. I think a lot of us Americans have been crying “woe is me”. The thing is…EVERY YEAR is hard economically on Haiti. Those that have jobs still aren’t making it.

The faith of the people here are tested daily. They’re not crying “woe is me” because they don’t have money to go to the movies this weekend. They’re not crying “woe is me” because they don’t have money to upgrade their car, or buy new clothes, or now they have to “eat in” instead of “going out” to restaurants. When they cry out – it’s because they don’t have ANY food for their children, their babies cry all night because they have no milk, or their children are dying because there’s no money for medicine. I want to share with you a conversation I had with one of our employees. I can’t stop thinking about it.

I’m going to call this lady Mary (but that’s not her name). Mary has been working at the mission for several years. She has a family and has been active in the church. She doesn’t make much money but she does what she can with what little she has. Her husband has a side-business where he sells drinks from their home. Things have been very slow though and no one has been buying the drinks. Mary doesn’t have the money for all her family to eat every day even though she and her husband both work. Each day she has to choose which children will eat and which ones will have to wait until tomorrow. She (herself) only takes a few bites – she knows she HAS to in order to have the strength to continue working.

Mary used to be in voodoo and became a Christian through the efforts of the Women’s Ministry group at the church across the street. She told me there was a time about a month ago where she didn’t have one gourde in her pocket. Her kids had already gone 2 days without eating and she was crying out to her Father in Heaven  - where are You? Why have You left me? Feeling abandoned she began to think about her old life. Even though she knew in her heart that things were no better when she served Satan…perhaps he was punishing her. She contemplated going to the witch doctor to see if he could help her.

That evening her baby (who’d already gone 2 days without milk) cried in hunger – to the point she could no longer stand to be in her home. That night she began to make her way down the path to the witch doctor’s home. Tears were pouring down her cheeks and she felt completely alone. Afraid that someone might see her and word would get back to the mission – she walked past the witch doctor’s home but did not enter.

Trying to compose herself she went back to her house and was surprised to see a group of people standing there. Another church down the street was having a revival and they needed drinks. A pastor dressed in his Sunday clothes laid out $280 for 4 cases of coke. The lady fell to her knees before them and wept.

Mary talked with such intensity and humility that I began to cry with her as she told me her story. When I talk about my faith being tested….wow…doesn’t even compare to what people go through here daily. Talk about a reality check! I can only imagine her walk that night – the feelings and desperation she must have had. We honestly have no clue what our loved ones here go through.

Mary told me that she didn’t have one gourde in her pocket and now she had 1400 gourdes. That God had provided for her and loved her even though she was beginning to turn her back on Him. What grace God had bestowed on her!

When I feel as though God is not there – maybe I don’t run to the witch doctor but do I turn my back on Him just the same? Do I not doubt that HE will provide for my family? Do I not question the suffering I go through from time to time?

What a testimony Mary has. She shared her story with me because she felt like God was convicting her to. Her story has laid so much on my heart that I wanted to share it with you….maybe it will give you a reality-check like it did for me! It sure did broaden my world and bring things into perspective for me…..

Now before you get all excited…that statement is in no reflection of another baby on the way!! LOL!! It’s just that since January (9 months ago) this campus has changed so much – it totally blows me away. Magdala and Ceremone took me on a tour of my home the other day and I couldn’t help but notice all the changes — not just the cosmetic ones – but those that went much deeper than all the new concrete.

THE BIRTHING CENTER:

First on my tour was the birthing center. To see that now as a finished project is amazing. I remember years and years ago when it was just a dream. I walked through this beautiful building – the floors are tiled, it’s freshly painted, and there is air conditioning in nearly every room. I walked to where the mothers were with their newborns and felt the cool air as I opened the door. Tears began to stream down my cheeks. These mothers who went through such pain to bring their babies into this world are laying in a bed with air conditioning!! Now that might not be something to be excited about for those who’ve never been here BUT can you imagine that we are the only facility in all of the northwest to have such a beautiful place for women to come and have a child. A place that is CLEAN and FREE and now has air conditioning!! WOW!

The change wasn’t just the beautiful building but the smiles I saw on all the nurses and staff who worked there. Their smiles were genuine and not just something on the surface. There was a feeling of contentment inside this beautiful building…a sense of pride. Melissa Curtice has devoted so much of herself – poured herself into the nurses and our medical program. You can not only see the fruits of her labor but FEEL them as well.

THE NUTRITIONAL PROGRAM:

Coming around the outside of the birthing center my eyes were immediately drawn to the beautiful pink and white nutritional center. It had been gray and kind of dark for years. Now it’s bright – tons of drawings on all the walls – a wonderful place for little children to spend their mornings. A peek inside the kitchen revealed smiling cooks who were laughing while they stirred their pots. What? Since when is stirring a huge pot of rice fun? The stoves create a certain amount of heat – it wasn’t cool in there . Yet with so little the cooks had – there was still that general feeling of contentment.

THE MIRIAM CENTER:

Perhaps the biggest change of all is the program with our special needs children. The old birthing center was supposed to be home for these children years ago. When construction had to slow down – the kids were kind of stuck in transition and had to be moved to several small rooms that they soon called home. As I walked under the prayer tower and into the main room of this program….again… tears just streamed down my cheeks. A program that needs someone really devoted to it – someone who can really look to develop it and make this place something we can all be proud of has found it’s momma. You can not only see the hand of Courtney in every newly renovated room but FEEL her there as well. I found myself giggling at things that I know only Courtney could have thought of! There are tons of murals and bright colors on every wall. There is new foam tile waiting to be placed on the floors, air conditioning in several of the rooms,  even  a pool in one of the bedrooms! There’s new equipment and developmental toys….space for the kids to be creative and move around. It gives me goosebumps just writing about it. What a wonderful place for these children – these “outcasts” to call home!

There is definitely a sense of pride in all the workers and the colored walls only make their smiles reflect so much brighter. I’m just blown away…completely blown away by this program.

THE BABY ORPHANAGE:

My dream from the beginning was to have a baby orphanage right here on campus – to have at least 50 kids in an environment where voodoo could no longer be an influence but only gentle, loving, christian arms would embrace them. The funds for this program were slow coming in and we haven’t been able to take in all the kids I want yet….BUT – there are 3 new baby bungalows under construction. Tomoka has been influential in the realization of this dream of mine and completed one baby bungalow last year. The construction began in July for the next three rooms. What a beautiful surprise! It must have been 10:00 because when I walked up to the baby orphanage the women were having a devotional. Every day at 10:00 we stop and have prayer time. I looked at my watch….nope…..it was already 1:00pm. It wasn’t prayer time. The women were just having a devotional because they were so moved by the spirit to do so. The kids were all being held while the women prayed and talked about God. I’m just blown away by this beautiful display in front of me. The presence of God was so heavily felt that it too gives me goosebumps just writing about it.

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The list of programs and how God is moving in them could go on for days. I saw the surgery center – the new addition –  which is so awesome! It’s so clean and big that you actually feel like you’re in a stateside hospital. The halls that carry the rest of our medical programs were freshly painted and filled with people waiting to be seen. Despite the mission’s lack of funds for our medical programs – hundreds of people are being seen daily – patients who would have no place to go otherwise. The granmoun were happy and singing in their rocking chairs when I came down to their place. The feeling of general contentment was there too. Magdala is our program manager and she pours herself into her work every day. From the moment she accepted the position  - the campus began to have a different look to it and the presence of God can be readily felt no matter where you walk.

The cosmetic changes on the campus are most certainly something to brag about….but the real jewel in all of this is the change that has taken place in the hearts of our staff.

My brother (Janeil) dreams of things that many of us would NEVER even think of. There is no doubt that this change in our campus is a direct reflection of his leadership. We tease him and call him Dr. Phil – but the truth is He’s simply a man of God – chosen to help lead in a country that has been dedicated to Satan. We need to remember to constantly lift him up in prayer. The burdens that he carries for the people here – the programs he wants to do so that we can help so many more children – those things don’t happen without much sacrifice and many prayers.

Thanks for coming along on this tour of my home. The saying is so true….. there’s just no place like home!

As many of you know – I’ve been asking for prayers for a little girl named Jael. Many of you have emailed me asking for an update. Even though I’m in Haiti and consumed by many things….my heart and mind still goes out to this little girl. I constantly check for her mom’s updates.  I think it’s because when I was talking to Barb – she was just talking about how her daughter had a headache….just a general conversation. Then the very next minute her world was turned upside down. What was once afternoons playing with dolls is now filled with days of chemotherapy and all the side effects that come with it. The survival chances of this precious little baby girl have been narrowed down to numbers I don’t even want to think about.

There is something about Jael that reminds me so much of Malaya that I can’t hardly stand it. I’m laying in bed with Malaya right now watching Hannah Montana and listening to her tell me all about her day playing with all the babies in the baby orphanage and singing with Moleon and Ivenor. Walking around the campus is truly amazing – so many changes. The girls can’t stop talking about how beautiful the Miriam Center is and how many new babies are in the orphanage! To go from that “general conversation”  to having a sick child – I can’t even begin to imagine if that was my little Malaya who  had to endure such pain.

Kids are resilient. Look at the smile on little Jael’s face…..her “new haircut”. Kids have such a way of showing us what faith is about and they have no clue the impact they make. I have this picture below on my computer desktop so Im constantly reminded to pray for Jael. Every night my children pray for her without hesitation. They often ask me – is that little girl okay? Momma….is Jael in the hospital or home with her mommy? Do you think that God knows she’s sick? So many questions for such little girls….

I ask you all to pray for Jael and for her family. I can’t think of a better family deserving your prayers.


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It was a very long but beautiful day. We got up at 4am and I feel like we spent most of the day running from plane to plane and then finally got to PAP where we waited for hours at the airport. The kids were so tired but they did SO good. It was overwhelming traveling with the babies – - but it was really as smooth as it could be. Our bags were overweight but never questioned. It took forever to go through security but we got our own special line.The babies cried a lot but again were pretty well behaved. To every negative there was an equal if not better positive!  We felt God’s hands throughout the whole day.

There were about 10 people waiting for us at the airport to help us with the kids. The truck was there and we were on our way!! I didn’t think about much on our way home..just how tired I was. However - I was completely caught off guard and moved to tears by a very heart-felt welcome! I was sitting infront of the truck talking to momma Gigi when all of a sudden I heard a ton of screaming. We weren’t even through the St. Louis gates yet and people were running toward us. It took me a few seconds to figure out who the people were – -it was my family! My friends and staff from the mission were running towards our truck. They all had special headbands on that they made to wear today. I got out of the truck down by the cemetary and much to my surprise again – walked up to the mission with the herd of people. I was so tired and so out of shape – I can’t believe I made it! That was a surprise in itself!  We stopped along the way – cried together, sang together, and prayed together! When I arrived at the gates of the mission –  all the program people – granmoun, baby orphanage, and miriam center were all in the courtyard in their Sunday clothes. Again..I just wept. I tried to give a short talk but cried through most of it.

Thank you all for your prayers and love and support over this last year. Tonight marked the end of an amazing journey full of mountains and valleys. On every door of my home is a “welcome home sign” addressed to whoever sleeps in that room, a verse, and a prayer. There’s my favorite fake Haitian flowers on our kitchen table!! I’m laying in MY bed, Gabriel is playing with his cars on the floor, the girls are dressed up in their play clothes and high heels, and the babies are sound asleep in their new room!!  I’m home….

I was reading through some of my “drafts” that I wrote for the blog and realized I never posted this. I read back through it and thought this was still relevant today  - so why not post it!

In Haiti there is a saying we often hear – “After God – there is only you”. It’s an overwhelming feeling to know that after they ask their Father in Heaven, we’re that next step for so many people. What happens when there is only one spot left in the orphanage for the baby whose mother died during childbirth? What happens when we know that once they leave those gates that baby is going to die?  What happens when they asked God, then come to us and we can’t help them? Daily we find ourselves in the position of making life and death choices. After God, the Haitians place their hope in us.

You know what that is like. You may not have a group of Haitians waiting at your door but if you are a mother or father  - you have children who are dependent upon you. If you are a son or daughter you may have found yourself in the position of being a life-giver to your own parent. In today’s economy, as an employer you are more than just a boss, you take on the role of encourager and life-giver to employees who are desperate to stay afloat. Missionary decisions are made every day on American soil as well as Haitian. The burden of being next in line after God to make a decision is draining. If only we all had the ability to be as wise as Solomon. I like how The Message interprets Proverbs 2:1-5:

1-5 Good friend, take to heart what I’m telling you; collect my counsels and guard them with your life.
Tune your ears to the world of Wisdom;
set your heart on a life of Understanding.
That’s right—if you make Insight your priority,
and won’t take no for an answer,
Searching for it like a prospector panning for gold,
like an adventurer on a treasure hunt,
Believe me, before you know it Fear-of-God will be yours;
you’ll have come upon the Knowledge of God.

I read that and I think, that is me trying to discern my way through a crazy Monday. Like Indiana Jones, I am on a treasure hunt to tap into the right decisions and counsel. The interesting thing to note is that Solomon who has always been given the distinction of being wise still understood the necessity of wise counsel and the need to pursue the right wisdom. Apparently, I have been under the delusion all these years that Solomon just had what it takes to make snap judgments. As if his entire life played out with few surprises and cause for prayer and pondering.

I am completely relieved to know that if the wisest man in history didn’t have it together – I don’t have to have all the answers either. Solomon the great life-giver himself still struggled. Wow!

When did you last pray for wisdom? No really. When did you last pray passionately for it? Study may make a scholar, but only prayer will make a saint. Much reading may increase your learning, but only the revelation of the Holy Spirit can give you wisdom. If you crave wisdom; crack your knees on the ground and beg to the God of Solomon.

After God – there is only you. But you are a conduit not a stopped-up drain! Let the wisdom of Christ flow through you as you make your decisions. Don’t be a lone ranger! Bring in the Calgary cavalry and become a life-giver without regret or error! Enough said! Pray for it. Receive it!

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